By David G. Firestone
[Editor’s note:Been a little busy this week, so I decided to go into the archives and pull out one from quite a few years ago…enjoy!]
Admittedly, I do not go to shopping malls all that often. The mall houses the biggest collection of douchebags on the planet, and I try to avoid it at all costs. I’ve gone to the mall 3 times in the last year, and I get annoyed by things every time. This last weekend, I spend the bulk of my weekend at the mall trying to finish my shopping. After spending more time than a human being ever should in a shopping mall, I have a number of observations from my last 3 times…
*To the girl being questioned by security, I hope you have an explanation for the fact that there is a dress clearly visible wadded up under your shirt.
*Jet black pantyhose do not qualify as pants.
*If the pockets on your shorts stick out underneath the end of your shorts, that is proof you did them yourself. I have a hard time believing that stores would sell that
*To the Windows 8 phone display…some free advice:Your display is to sell phones, but you have a guitar leaning on a chair in front of a laser beam background, but you have no phones to be seen…am I missing something here?
*To any store who’s business model is some variation of “Selling things that smell nice,” some free advice:If I can smell you three stores away, or one floor above, tone it down!
*If you pay more that $35 for a t-shirt, or buy a shirt from a store that only sells merchandise with its own name and/or logo on it, please shoot yourself.
*To the dead sea minerals stand, If I walk by you 3 times, and all 3 times, I ignore you entirely, what the hell makes you think anything will change the 4th time? If it was the hot girl with the sexy accent I met last time, I would listen, but a 34 year old man with frosted tips, and an Abercrombe shirt won’t work.
*To the toy kiosk, You know how I can tell you sell knockoffs? The characters names are misspelled on the package. It’s Lightning McQueen, not Lighetning McKween.
*I don’t know where “Hilfiger University” is, but I’m willing to bet it is on the same campus as Douchebag Tech.
*If you are going to go to a mall in a 3-piece suit to get something to eat, aim a little higher than McDonald’s…Go A&W or higher.
*You can get cell phone service on top of Mount Everest, but I can’t get a bar when I am standing next to the Disney Store…
*This one is more of a legit question…To the car dealer(s) who have models on display in a shopping mall…do you do anything to the car after parking it in the mall to keep people from stealing it? I would guess you take the battery out, but anything else?
*To the woman I met outside of Macy’s…if you are that drunk and the sun is out you need help…seriously.
*If you walk into a Chicago Cubs store wearing White Sox, Brewers or Cardinals gear, please punch yourself in the face as hard as you can.
*To the woman who offered me this new “makeup for men” I really hope you have a backup plan for when this business venture fails.
*”I’m going to the Swatch Store!” said no one in the last 20 years.
*Sears has something called the Kardashian Kollection, because having the Kim Kardashian Kollection doesn’t exactly look good on a sign…
*The Kardashian Kollection…for women who want to dress like skanks but shop at a reputable establishment.
*Cologne sold in a cigar tube…makes as much sense as selling shaving cream in a pink rubber duck.
*Why the fuck does McDonalds have a meeting room?
*Exactly how many soft pretzel stands does one mall need exactly? I’m pretty sure 3 is too many.
*Would someone please set fire to the Crocs store?
*Mini golf, with black lights, and spinning flashing strobes…Do they charge extra for getting sick? It must happen a lot.
*To the bimbo who is standing behind me, allow me to answer your question…it is cold outside because it is winter in Chicago. You are the one who chose to wear a mini-skirt so shut up!
*I love how the M&Ms reps handing out samples while wearing NASCAR shirts looked at me funny because I’m wearing a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup NASCAR jacket.
*This mall has 3 pretzel stands, 3 places to get tea, 4 coffee shops, 9 places that specialize in desert, and 35 places in total to buy food, but not one store has a decent big and tall selection.
*3 Sunglasses Huts? 3?
*A used clothing store in an indoor mall? Why?
*To Frederick’s of Hollywood, if you don’t like guys staring in the windows, don’t put pictures of women in erotic lingerie near the windows.
*If I could walk from one part of the mall to another without being asked to upgrade my smartphone, that’d be great.
*J. Crew is still in business? I haven’t heard of that brand in years.
*I love how in the description of Lush there is an asterisk after “organic”
*It’s funny how the laundromat down the street from my house has a bill acceptor that can accept $5 bills, yet the newest, most advanced vending machines this mall has to offer can only accept singles…especially for a $2.25 soda.
*Males should never shop in a women’s clothing store for a wife or a girlfriend. One of two things will occur. Either they will buy something in the wrong size, or something that the owner of the store never dreamed they would sell to someone who has working vision.
*To the youth of America, underwear belongs INSIDE your clothes…that is why they call it underwear. I should never have to see anyone’s underwear in a public situation. Learn how to dress.
*There is nothing illegal about not wearing shorts when it is cold outside. Saturday was 16 degrees outside, why are you wearing shorts?
*To Bath and Body Works, The Body Shop, L’Occitane, or any other store that sells scented things, is there a clause in your lease that forces you to pay to have the space cleaned after you leave? If I can smell your store from the floor above, or 3 stores away, I’m willing to bet the scent doesn’t leave quietly.
*A meeting room at McDonald’s? Why would you ever need a meeting room at McDonald’s?
*Who’s bright idea was it to have the 10th largest mall in the United States to only have 4 public bathrooms, one of which can only hold 3 people at a time?
*Free stuff rules no matter how old you are!
*So you brought your elderly mother to a shopping mall on a Saturday during the Christmas rush, and you are shocked she was overwhelmed?
*A group of young teenage girls ran up to a man in his 40’s and asked to take a picture with him because they like his shirt, and they couldn’t understand why he was uncomfortable.
*$300 for a pair of sneakers, $150 for a shirt, a pair of earrings for $200, this is why I don’t shop at Nordstrom.
*Could someone explain to me why Abercrombe and Fitch does not have windows in their stores? Do they want someone to see their clothes from outside and come in and buy them?
*Why does Auntie Anne’s have a Twitter feed?
*Guys, your shirts come with a top button for a reason, no one wants to see your chest. Please start using them.
*Since when did remote control helicopters become a hot item?
*Windows has a retail store? All we need is an Android store and the trifecta will be complete!
*I can upgrade to an iPhone 4 for $35 or buy a cracked one for $65…what will I chose?
*and finally…The Nestle Toll House Cafe has awesome cookies, why aren’t there any more of these in Chicago?